ASK DR. J
Dear Dr. J
Me and my wife are going through a period of personal reconstruction of our marriage, in saying this she had an oral sex experience which has her reeling in sexual bliss. Since her encounter she has turned into a sexual monster. She now wants more encounters like this. My situation is desperate to say the least. Our sex life has always been outstanding, it contained items as sex talks and fantasy that included having sex with other people, and I am now feeling very nervous and anxious about the entire situation. I’m in a lesbian relationship with a woman who has a family history of alcoholism,
depression, suicide, mental illness, and emotional abuse. My partner is emotionally
abusive to me, goes into frequent rages over the smallest frustrations and is very
controlling. I feel like I am walking on eggshells whenever I am with her.
I love her to death and do not want to disappoint her as we are really on a spiritual plane like no other time in our marriage. She is g spot orgasming like never before and sometimes up to 10 to 15 times and even after we are finished will ask if she can go on by her self using her vibrators. So in saying this most people would be just crazy about this kind of situation if not knowing anything about the past history. Is it healthy to have that many orgasms in a sexual encounter? Should I be worried about this kind of situation? I really need some advise if you could help it would be great. Thanks.
I have asked her to get help, but she denies that she has a problem, and in turn says
that I am the one who needs to try harder to make the relationship work. Is there
anything I can do?
Sounds like you and your wife separated for a time, and she became involved
sexually with someone else. And during that time, became more sexually responsive and adventuresome.
You ask if it’s healthy for your wife to have that many orgasms, but is that really
your question? Because, of course, the number of orgasms a person has is only
a problem if they are demanding and selfish about their needs to the detriment
of their partner. A healthy sexual relationship is mutually satisfying. It really
doesn’t matter what you are doing, or how long you’re doing it as long as it is
consensual and mutually enjoyable.
It sounds to me as if you are having some type of inadequacy concerns. If your
wife’s sexual responsiveness makes you feel nervous, you are probably taking
responsibility for her pleasure and worrying that you might be coming up short. Just like any other aspect of a relationship, each of you is responsible for his and her own
sexuality, communicate your needs to one another and reach some kind of
understanding. Should you be worried? Sounds like you may be worried that you
aren’t enough for her sexually and she may want somebody else?
Yes there is something you can do—get out of this relationship.
You two need to talk. Make sure you aren’t holding on to some unresolved feelings
about her being with somebody else.
Call and make an appointment with a therapist immediately and find out why you are trying to make an abusive relationship work. Once you have asked your partner to get help, and she remains in denial, there is absolutely nothing you can do. You need to
find out why living with an abusive, controlling rage-aholic is something you want
to stay in. I can guess what some of the reasons might be, but this is something you
need to talk over in depth with a qualified professional. In the meantime, please
read Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melanie Beattie (both
books are reviewed on the website).
Focus on yourself and try to figure out what it is you want. Good Luck.
Dear Dr. J
My wife says sex is okay after we get started, but she does not have the desire.
She says she never gets horny. She says she probably could go without ever
having sex again.
Your wife’s sexual response pattern is not necessary bad, it’s just different than
yours. She is able to become aroused once she is sexually stimulated.
If, at that point, you both have a satisfactory sexual encounter, what difference
does it make how you got there?
Many factors can come into play here. Age, the dynamics of the marriage, life
situation, health and hormonal concerns. There are also gender differences
to consider. Some studies show that women do not think about sex nearly as
often as men do. There are also periods of time in a woman’s life when she
may not have strong sexual feelings, like after a pregnancy or when parenting
small children, or during certain times during her menstrual cycle, or when there
have been hormonal changes. It sounds like you and your wife continue to have a sexual relationship. Don’t overtalk your differences, just try to meet in the middle and enjoy the relationship you have.
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