CODEPENDENCY: BOOK REVIEWS

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, Melody Beattie, Hazelden Publishers

In the section on Codependency, I mentioned that this term evolved from the Recovery Movement. The first copy of this book was written in l987! The second printing was in l992. There are literally hundreds of books on Codependency. Certainly most of them were written more recently than l987…that’s almost 20 years ago! But Melody Beattie’s book has truly withstood the test of time. I always refer to this book as the “bible” of codependency.

Written when the term was first emerging, Codependent No More is written in a clear, honest way by a self-identified codependent. The inclusive language, "we" and "us" goes a long way in making the reader feel a part of it. The book was written at the time when Beattie described herself as a non-professional. (It was only later that she earned her credentials in the recovery field). She is an excellent story teller, and her book is full of codependents telling their stories. I really think readers can identify with a writer who has been there herself. Beattie is not afraid to talk about her own struggle with both humility and self respect.


The book is divided into Parts I and II. Part I is What’s Codependency and Who’s Got It.
Chapter 1 starts out with, “Jessica’s Story”, and leads into Chapter 2, “Other Stories”. As I said, the stories are very compelling, short and clear and interesting.

Chapter 3 is the definition of codependency at a time when it was a new concept. Beattie gives a bit of the history of the term from the late 70’s.

Chapter 4, Codependent Characteristics, gives clarity to the term. She devotes from ½ page to 2 pages to each of these characteristics :

Caretaking
Low Self Esteem
Repression
Controlling
Denial
Dependency
Poor Communication
Weak Boundaries
Lack of Trust
Anger
Sex Problems
Miscellaneous

This chapter also talks about the progression of codependency and mentions what happens in the later stages.


Part II, The Basics of Self Care, Chapter 5, is entitled, Detachment, but talks a lot about Attachment. It’s a chapter about focusing on controlling what you can control and letting go of the rest.

Chapter 6, Don’t Be Blown About by Every Wind, is about reacting. It explains the difference between being reactive (like the codependent) rather than pro-active.

In Chapter 7, Set Yourself Free, Beattie gives another helpful list of why codependents control, together with a story. To quote Beattie, Codependents do not make things happen, they try to force things to happen.”

Chapter 8, Remove the Victim, describes the triangle of the rescue/persecution/and victim which explains why codependents are such angry people. Chapter 9 is called Undependence. That term seems awkward to me, but I think Beattie is trying to make a distinction between independence. It refers to needing people too much. She gives 6 ideas for becoming Undependent :

1) Finish up the business of childhood; 2) Nurture and cherish the child within; 3) Stop looking for happiness in other people; 4) Learn to depend on others; 5) Spiritual beliefs; 6) Strive for undependence

Chapter 10, Live Your Own Life, and Chapter 11, Have a Love Affair With Yourself are about self esteem and self direction. In Chapter 12, Learn the Art of Acceptance, Beattie plugs codependency into the grief process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Chapter 13, Feel Your Own Feelings, Chapter 15, Anger, and Chapter 15, Yes, You Can Think, all have to do with the prohibition against feelings and the inability of many codependents to make decisions.

Chapter 16, Set Your Own Goals, is helpful in validating the process as the codependent moves toward health. Communication gets its own Chapter…Chapter 17.

Chapter 18, Work a 12 Step Program, may not fit for everyone, but since Beattie is coming from a recovery perspective, I would certainly expect her to recommend a 12 step recovery program. (As an aside, many people in the recovery field see psychologists as “snobs” when it comes to AA and Al-Anon and the 12 Step Program approach. I for one see this approach as a very helpful, and in many cases, life saving program. I believe self-help recovery can be an extremely healthy marriage with psychotherapy.)

Chapter 19 is entitled, Pieces and Bits, and it is just that….short sections on eating disorders, drama addicts, fear of intimacy, financial responsibilities, forgiveness, fun, limits/boundaries, physical care, professional help, strokes (good relationships), trust, and sex. And, finally, Chapter 20 is Learning to Live and Love Again.

The book is 233 pages, and it flows so well it could easily be read in one or two sittings. It is a book you will want to buy and have on your shelf for future reference. The recent copy I bought to replace one I loaned out says “More than 4 Million Sold”. I’ll end the review with Beattie’s Frog Syndrome: “Did you hear about the woman who kissed a frog? She was hoping it would turn into a prince. It didn’t. She turned into a frog too!

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, Melody Beattie, Hazelden Publishers

The book is divided into Five Sections, with several chapters in each section. The book is 245 pages and, once again, is clear and easy, understandable reading.

The first Chapter, The Recovery Movement, once again uses stories to illustrate codependency and also uses some information from others in the Recovery Field. Chapter 2, Recovery, talks about codependency in terms of “smoldering coals”. At this point, Beattie brings in the importance of childhood, and she cites these implicit rules of the codependent:

1. Don’t feel or talk about feelings.
2. Don’t think.
3. Don’t think about, identify, talk about, or solve problems.
4. Don’t be who you are, be good, right, strong and perfect.
5. Don’t be selfish. Take care of others and neglect yourself.
6. Don’t have fun. Don’t be silly and enjoy life.
7. Don’t trust other people or yourself.
8. Don’t be vulnerable.
9. Don’t be direct.
10. Don’t get close to people.
11. Don’t grow, change, or in any way rock this family’s boat.

Chapter 3, The Process, emphasizes recovery as a process which is divided into: Survival/Denial; Reidentification; Core Issues; Reintegration; and Genesis. Beattie, of course, recommends the 12 Step Recovery Programs.

Chapter 4 is called, Your Story and Mine, and once again Beattie makes good use of her storytelling skills.

Section II: Relapse, is divided into Chapter 5, Recycling: The Relapse Process, where Beattie defines relapse in terms of recycling. I’m not sure why she does this, perhaps because recyle implies a more positive process? Chapter 6, Common Recycling Situations, is a favorite of mine because it makes use of interesting stories. In Chapter 7, Getting through the Cycle, Beattie focuses on taking care of one’s self and watching the negative self talks, like, “I should be…..(further along, etc).

Section III: History and Current Events, is divided into Chapter 8, Coming to Terms with Family of Origin; Chapter 9, Breaking Free; Chapter 10, Breaking Through the Same Barrier; Chapter 11, From Deprived to Deserving ; and Chapter 12, Asserting Yourself. In this section, Beattie talks about breaking free from those old implicit rules of codependency (from the family of origin). She also explains what shame is and how it affects behavior. And, finally, she emphasizes gratitude. “When all else fails, try gratitude”.

Beattie devotes a Section on Relationships with seven chapters, each covering a different dimension of relationships. Obviously, Beattie agrees that relationships are extremely important as the forum for trying out new behaviors. She states that recovery is being able to function in relationships. The seven chapters are: Improving our Relationships; Overcoming Fatal Attractions; Setting Boundaries; Intimacy, Negotiating Conflicts, Dealing with Fears of Commitment, and Sharing Recovery with our Children.. I liked her tips for Negotiating Conflicts in Chapter 17 and have included them in their entirety on the website in the Conflict Resolution section. Conflict Resolution I have also highlighted her Boundary Setting pointers in the section on Codependency. Codependency

Beattie wraps up with her Section V: Going Forward. Chapter 20 is Working One or More Programs. Remember, Beattie is in the Recovery Field. The 12 Step Programs are the backbone of recovery. Finally, Chapter 21, Letting The Good Stuff Happen refers to “Letting Go” to stop trying to control what you have no control over. This is also part of the recovery program, but is also a good cognitive/behavioral therapy principle.

For anyone who wants to explore the issue of Codependency in their life, the two books , Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie are an excellent adjunct to therapy and are books to keep on your shelf to pull out when needed!