THE PRINCIPLE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

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1. You must take personal responsibility for the outcome of all interactions.
If you are dissatisfied with how people are treating you, only you can make the necessary modifications in your behavior for the outcome to change. You are the one who knows what you want. And it is in your interest, not the other person's, that things change.

2. If one strategy doesn't work to meet your needs or solve a problem, there is absolutely no point in blaming.
It's your responsibility to keep trying new strategies until something does work.

3. The appropriate question is not, "Who's responsible for my pain?", but "What can I do about it.?"

4. The amount of support, appreciation, and help you are getting is all you can get, given the current strategies you are using.
No one will willingly give you more than you now receive if you continue your current methods. Moreover, if you use coercive strategies such as anger on a long-term basis, you can expect the support and appreciation you receive to diminish over time.

5. You can't expect other people to change or be different.
They are using the best problem-solving strategies available to them at the moment. These strategies may be painful to you or they may frustrate your needs, but they represent the other person's best coping solution given his or her stresses, skills, and available resources. The other person will only change with the perception that new behavior is in his or her best interest. Don't fight this one. It's a law of nature. Accepting it will make you far more effective in taking care of your own needs.

6. All relationships come down to two basic choices: Adapt or Let Go.
If your needs remain unmet, if the painful aspects of the relationship are unremitting, letting go is your only choice. The alternative is chronic anger and depression. You can either let go of your expectations or of the relationship itself.

7. You are never a victim.
The only true victims are children. An adult chooses to be a victim because an adult has a choice.

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Personal Responsibility in Couples Communication

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